Ok, today is one of my Certified Fiskars Demonstrator Training. And to celebrate my love of all things Fiskars I am have a little "fun" Blog Candy contest. But first I want to show you a card I made.I will be honest, I didn't make this last night - nope I MADE myself clean my desk off. As I sweep a look that direction it doesn't look much better at this point but it is I promise. I am re-organizing things. Picking things up and dusting just a little. Man I love those prima flowers but those bottles sure get dusty! Today's card is one of my favorite Magnolia stamps of all time! She reminds me so much of my niece Kaylynn. I just wish that Teddy Bear had been a stuffed puppy dog, then it would have been perfect! I have used this stamp many times and I always do it in shades of red. You see red is her favorite color and everything is always red for Kaylynn. I colored her with my copic markers and used stickles to bling her wings. I also used my new Fiskars admission ticket corner squeeze punch, just tooooo much fun! You also can see I pulled out those cute Aud Designs Circle sentiments!
Now to some candy!!! Today is one of my Certified Fiskars Trainings and to celebrate the fact that I have 22 signed up I want to spread some Fiskars lovin! I have pulled together some of my favorite things from Fiskars. One of my favorite new tools the Squeeze Punch! And I love my Corner Rounder, so I went out and bought one for one of you. I also found some fun Fiskar acrylic stamps, some Heidi Grace Chipboard flourishes and alphabet letters, Cloud Nine paper clip embellishments and bravely from my own stash I am going to share some cloud nine rain dots. This is really big of me, cuz I hoard these!!! I love them.
Ok so what do you have to do to win this loot? Well my hubby needs some new material. He needs new jokes, as I grow tired of all of the same ones over and over and over. All you need to do is leave a "clean" joke in the comments of this post. And on Wednesday, March 12th 9pm central time, he will read them all. Then he will pick what he think is the funniest and I will be sending you all my favorites!
Card Info:
Stamps: Magnolia; Aud Designs
Paper: Bazzill;
Ink: Versafine Onzyx Black
Accessories: Copic Markers: ; Velvet Ribbon; Ranger Stickles; Pop Dots
37 comments:
I was shopping in the grocery store the other day, gathering the usual items...eggs, flour, milk, sugar...coffee, just the everyday stuff and it was obvious the man in line behind me had had too much to drink. But he was eyeing my shopping cart oddly...he looked at all of my items and said, "I bet you're not married." I was so curious and said, "Well, you're right, but how could you tell?" He said, "Cuz you're ugly!!!"
I was watching my wife put away all her craft things she just bought and I made the comment to her that she was spending me to the poor house. Her reply to me was that at least with all she just bought she would have enough to make the guy and house of her dreams now.
A woman walked into my aunts animal shelter wanting to have her cat and six kittens spayed and neutered. "Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked. "Very" said the woman, casting an eye on all the pet carriers. "That's how we go into this mess in the first place."
Wow! How generous of you Michelle! Well... this is from my kids... 'what is green and found in a bun?' 'A Hambooger' eek! Sorry! Couldn't resist! LOL!
Okay here goes...I asked my 13 year old for a good joke and this is what she came up with....there are two ice cubes in a freezer and one says to the other "it's cold in here" and the other says "WHOA a talking ice cube..." HA HA...LOL Okay, so she and her friends thought is was funny, me? I just sort of rolled the ol' eyes!
Thanks for the chance!
OHHH I am the worst at jokes... hmmmm me trying to give you one is on in itself.. So I will go to my trusty lil DS for one... and he said....Knock,Knock who's there Orange Orange who Orange you glad I'm trying to tell you a joke and not asking to play the Wii again! lol...OOHHHH THAT WAS BAD OHHH SO BAD!! LOL...
-Ellie
e@scrapbookmama.com
First off, I love your blog!! You have so many beautiful creations. I read this joke today on a website that I'm a member of:
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."
Keeping my fingers and toes crossed!!
The famous Olympic skier, Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-a-Boo), is not just an athlete; she is now a nurse currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer.
It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say. . .
"Picabo, I.C.U."
A group of bank robbers walks into a bank, after they rob the place, the first robber turns to a group of customers. He says to the first customer, "Did you see me rob the bank?", to which the customer replies "Yes". The robber shoots him, fatally. The robber then turns to the second customer and asks "Did you see me rob the bank?". The second customer replies "No I didn't, but my wife did!" lol
kristin2timemom@yahoo.com
What a fun idea, here is mine... Two guys had heard that when Beethoven died that he was buried with original manuscripts of several of his compositions. Including a few that had never been published or heard. The two men were talking and decided that they would dig up Beethoven and take some of the manuscripts to sell hoping to make some money. They went out to the cemetary on a moonlight night and started to dig. After about 2 hours they reached the casket. They jumped into the hole to open the casket and were surprised to find a little old man sitting in the casket with an eraser and erasing the music. They asked him what he was doing and he said "decomposing"
Here is hoping that I win.
I just received this one in my e-mail.......Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
Thanks for the chance!!
Cindy C.
cac1957@hotmail.com
A blonde gets on an airplane with a coach class ticket but she sees that first class looks nicer so she moved to the last seat in first class. The stewardess checks tickets and tell her she must move back to coach and she says "No I am going all the way to LA on this plane." Stewardess reports to captain who goes back and tells her the same thing and she says "No I am going all the way to LA." Captain tells co-captain who says "I'll fix this." He goes back and whispers something in her ear and she gets up and moves to coach right away. He goes back to the cockpit and the captain said what did you tell her. Co pilot says I told her" yes but only coach is going all the way to LA."
Mary P.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
Well, I thought it was funny! LOL
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he must have a home. He followed me into my house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. A couple of hours later, he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall and napped for a couple of hours. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap". The next day he arrived with a different note: "He lives in a house with ten children--apparently he needs some quiet time. Can I come with him tomorrow?"
Linda Peterson
craftylin1968@aol.com
Hear this one;; we went on a tour to Alberta.. we had 2 male drivers.class 1... 2males and 16 married females.. we decided we wanted a drink after touring all day.. 1 male and 3 females went to the liquor store.. and picked out brandy and rum.. the male went to pay for it.. and the cashier said..I hope you have a nice evening.. with such a funny grin on her face.. the male turned around to the 3 females and said..I bet she thinks we're mormons.. mormons have more then one wife.. we're still laughing at that one,,Mariah #2457
LOL...I am sure enjoying your previous posts:) Here are a couple of my dh's favorites:
God came up to Adam & said, "You look lonely. I am going to create a woman so you will have a life-time companion. She will be beautiful to look at, soft to the touch, gentle spoken, and never have a headache. But, of course, I will have to charge you an arm & a leg." Adam asked, "Too pricey, what can I get for just a rib?" The rest is history.
Jack, Janet, & Chrissy from Three's Company are still shacking up together, 50 years later. Chrissy yells downstairs to her friends & says, "I have one leg in the tub & the other out. I don't remember if I was getting in or out". Janet hollers, "I'm coming up to help you, Chrissy!" Half-way up the stairs she says, "Jack, I'm on the stairs but I don't remember if I was heading up or down, or why?" Jack is thinking - Good Heavens, I have to do everything around here! I'm glad I haven't lost my mind like those two have, knock on wood! He cries, "I'll be right up to rescue you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
Congrats on getting so many to sign up for your Certified Fiskars Training Session. I am sure that it will be a success. Good Luck!
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Here's a couple from Prarie Home Companion's annual joke show last night:
God created woman with three breasts. She decided that she didn't need three - only two. God removed the unneccesary third one. Standing there breast in hand, woman asked God "What shall we do with this useless boob?" God said "No problem!" and created man!
Why did the chicken cross the road? She heard the mayor was going to lay a cornerstone and she wanted to see him try.
Happy Sunday! ~chris
Congrats Gal! A great blog! I'm not leaving a joke because you know I've got a huge Fiskars stash at home! Just wanted to pop in and say hi!!! I missed ya! (I'm emailing you, yours haven't been getting through).
Miss ya!
r
At the end of the school year a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her class. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is; Flowers."
"That's right!" the boy said, "but, how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," the teacher replied.
The next student was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is; A box of sweets."
"That's right said the little girl, but how did you know?"
"Oh, I've been around for many years," said the teacher proudly.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held he package, but it was leaking so she grabbed a drop off the leaking contents with her finger and put it on her tongue for a taste test.
"Is it wine?" the teacher asked.
"NOPE," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leaking package. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"NO MAM," he replied, with even more excitement!
The teacher with all her knowledge finally took one more big taste before admitting, "I give up. What is it?"
With an giant grin the boy replied, “SURPRISE, It's a puppy!"
Enjoy :)
what a cool RAK! thanks for the opportunity. Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
OK, my joke...
When a turtle losses it's shell, is it naked or homeless?
Kinda like the chicken and egg :=)
Turtlelady #1715
What a fun rak. I had a blast reading all the jokes (so far the "decomposing" one is my favorite!)
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, get outta here. We don't serve mushrooms here!", so the mushroom replies, "Aw, let me hang out a while. You'll see. I'm really a fun guy." (Get it? Fungi?)
Hyuk!
Veronica
Fiskateer #1135
Love ur blog! so cherrful:)
here's a joke..my uncle caled to ask a friend if he could have some meat for supper so she said "I'll send over some chicken"
where my uncle said "could u also send "a shloho' over (shloho meaning steak in english)...and she answered ok...
20 minutes later one of the kids showed up at the door with chicken and a pair of slippers...My uncle was puzzled for abit till he realized what was going on. the 'Shloho' that he wanted for supper sounded exactly like "slippers" and so he got a pair of slippers adn no steak!
Kris #2961
I heard this one the other day and thought it was so cute.
"a new family moved to town and so a neighbor asked the 5 year old boy that just moved how he liked his new home.
"I love it!" he said. " i have my own room and my sister Doria has her own room and jason has his own room too! But poor mom, she's still with dad." he replied shaking his head.
Dee W #3851
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately the baby, was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word "ears" he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said," What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes, the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The doctor said he will have 20/20 vision "
"That's great," said little Johnny, "cuz he'd be ####-outta-luck if he needed glasses."
Nettie
Fun idea for a RAK!
I love this joke...A woman comes home for Bible study group to find someone robbing her house. She shouts at him from behind "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Which is 'Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.')
Well the buglar froze dead in his tracks and didn't move. The lady then called the cops and told them to come get him. As the officers were taking the man away they asked him, "Why did you stay, why didn't you run? All the lady did was shout some bible verse at you."
"What bible verse? asked the theif, "she said she had an axe and two 38's!!" :):)
This is a true story.
Every Sunday we have a short children's service at church. Our preacher was talking about God's Rules-he asked the children it mommy and daddy had any rules at home. All their hands went up and he chose one little boy about 5-"I'm not allowed to go in Mommy and Daddy's room when they're play wrestling on the bed."
We were all laughing so hard including the preacher-he had to end the service early!
If women with big breasts work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work? I Hop ....Very lame, but funny!
Well I read this one and though it fit well with the snowy weather that was happening in the U.S.
Here it is:
The lady was listening to the radio every day for the past week. The announcements came ever day. Some days it said: "Please park your cars on the right side of the street so the snowplows can get through" so she went and parked her car on the right side. Other days it said : "Please park on the left side of the street so the snowplows can get through." so she parked her car on the left side.
Well, this particular day there was no announcement. Worried about her car she went in search of her husband to ask him. "Honey" she said "There was no announcement today, where should I park the car!!!!!"
To which her husband replied "...Honey, I think today you can leave it in the garage."
the jokes are so funny. can't think of one right now. but my fav is the peek a boo, ICU! rotflmao
Great RAK! Here is my entry.
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this,' and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, 'Daddy's going to eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them. I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'
She replied, 'What happened to my booger?'
Ok a little ughhh....but still funny...lol
Thanks for letting me play
Richelle
I though this was a good "Masculine" joke.
There was a trucker just trucking along one day when he came to a sign that read Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
“Got stuck?”
The trucker says, “Nope, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol.”
Fiskateer #1485
Wow, great RAK!
Here's a joke I thought was pretty funny, enjoy :)
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119."
Dee W - Fiskateer #3851
deannewaldner at hotmail dot com
Thanks for the chance to win the great blog candy! I apologize in advance that this joke is kind of corny, but it made me laugh...
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother named them.'
The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?' Denise.'
'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'
'Denephew.'
Hello! I have one more joke to share... :) There was a man driving along the highway when one of his tires blew out. He managed to coast the car into a gas station. It was obvious that one of the tires was completely flat and useless, but an employee still asked, "Do you have a flat tire there?" The man replied, "No, it was the strangest thing. I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up on me!"
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die".
1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
him off to work in a good mood.
2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
to work.
3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
burden him with household chores.
4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.
"You're going to die," she replied.
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